The bear formerly known as Mohammed

I hope to become embedded (so to speak) in the teddy bear drop planned for Sudan. Apparently each bear will have its own little parachute and a bottle of Exlax.

The following piece first appeared in Shuffleboil in December 2007.

Recently, Angry Mobs filled the streets of a Certain Country because of an Improperly Named Teddy Bear. Many were interviewed in connection with this incident — the Teacher, the Teacher’s family, Dignitaries, Religious Figures, Diplomats — but not the Bear. Correspondent W. Wonka was dispatched to Country X to interview Mr. Bear, and here is his report.

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Midnight brought a knock at my hotel door. A skinny green individual, who would only give his name as Gumby, led me downstairs to a car. I was blindfolded and driven around in circles until I lost my sense of direction. When the blindfold was removed, I was in a schoolroom. Sitting on the teacher’s desk was Mr. Bear.

“You wanted to see me?” he asked. “I hope Gumby was not too rough with you. Ask your questions.”

Despite his lack of expression, Mr. Bear seemed nervous. He had Gumby check the room for microphones, and pat me down for weapons.

Here is a transcript of our interview:

Wonka: Thanks for agreeing to this interview.
Bear: My pleasure.
Wonka: How does it feel to be the center of so much attention?
Bear: I’m a bit overwhelmed. I’m just a stuffed Bear.
Wonka: Where do you come from originally?
Bear: Some people feel you can’t really remember your infancy, but I think I can. My earliest memories are of being a pile of fabric in a factory.
Wonka: From humble beginnings to a cause celebre. And now grown men march in the streets over your name.
Bear: And the news got out so fast. It must have been a slow news day in Khatoum. It seems some people never outgrow their interest in stuffed animals. But the machetes seemed over the top. We teddy bears are a peaceful people.
Wonka: What are you using for a name now?
Bear: I plan to stay nameless. And inanimate.
Wonka: Any plans to get out of the school mascot business?
Bear: Yes, I am available for commercial work and my agent is in talks with Gund. 
Wonka: Any words of wisdom for those who named you?
Bear: Yes, kids, stay in school.
Wonka: Is it true you’ve been offered political asylum at the North Pole? 
Bear: This interview is over. I’ve already said too much.